Empathy Not Your Strong Suit? Enlightened Self-interest Helps with Work Relationships

Self-interest is an unavoidable part of human nature. The trick is making that self-interest work for you without unnecessarily harming or offending others.

It’s nice to think that empathy comes naturally, but the truth is that not everyone is hardwired for altruism and empathy. People on the autism spectrum and those with bottom-line-oriented personalities, for example, can have difficulty relating to and communicating empathetically with others.

Childhood trauma can also account for a lack of empathy, some researchers believe. One study even suggests that the extreme lack of empathy found in psychopathic behaviors – deception, manipulation and antisocial actions – persists in our genetic code because those behaviors can be advantageous in certain situations.

For people like this, enlightened self-interest can steer them away from toxic behaviors. They might not be able to feel empathy, but they can demonstrate empathetic actions.

Whether the motivation is “I shouldn’t do this because it’s bad for the people around me” or “I shouldn’t do this because I could lose my job,” the end result is the same. One approach comes from the heart, the other from the head. Both are valid.

That will require two things, both equally important. The process begins with knowing yourself, which involves not only a rigorous self-assessment of your strengths and shortcomings, but also getting a trusted outside perspective on behaviors you might be blind to.

Self-awareness is the first step toward self-improvement – but only the first step. It’s not enough to say, “Well, empathy isn’t my strong suit, so people are just going to have to deal with that.” Self-interest should tell you, “I can’t go around stomping on people’s feelings, or I’ll get a reputation for being a jerk and that could hurt my career.”

Self-improvement through self-regulation: the power of carefully chosen language

If you struggle with empathy, one key area where you can make improvements is in the language you use, both in how you describe yourself and in how you interact with others. Here are three examples of language that conveys a lack of empathy, each with a suggestion on how to reword that statement to avoid coming off as self-centered, abrasive and demanding.

1. “You’re making me look bad.”

It’s true that one person’s actions can reflect badly on another – but if that’s your focus when dealing with an underperforming colleague or subordinate, you’ll come across as more concerned about your own image than the effects of the mistake or underperformance on the team, the company and the other person. (And if you’re dealing with another person to whom empathy doesn’t come naturally, they might not care.) Either way, it’s best to take the focus off yourself by saying something like: “I care about you and the company. This sort of thing can hurt business and damage your career prospects, and I don’t want those things to happen.”

2. “I’m just a straight shooter. I call it like I see it, and if people don’t like it, tough.”

Too often, this statement is used in an attempt to justify abrasive behavior and disregard for others’ feelings. There’s nothing wrong with speaking plainly and clearly getting your message across, but it’s always best to do so in a way that doesn’t give unnecessary offense. Instead, soften your approach with a preface along these lines: “I know I can come off as blunt, because I can be more focused on the issue at hand than the people involved. I’ll do my best to be mindful of people.”

3. “That’s not how I would have done it.”

Perhaps not. Perhaps you would have done it better. Then again, maybe not. If you say something like this after another person’s success, you’ll just sound petulant. If you say it after another’s failure, it feels – and rightfully so – like “piling on.” In the former situation, you might ask the other person to walk you through their process. You can learn something and make them feel good. In the latter situation, first use questions to help the other person understand what went wrong and where it went wrong. Then, and only then, ask something like: “Can I show you what works for me, and see if that works for you, too?”

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If empathy doesn’t come naturally, it will take time and plenty of intentional work for these responses to become habitual. But as you do, people will relate to you better. They’ll work more enthusiastically with you and for you. Morale will rise, and productivity along with it.

All of that will make you look better for the right reasons, not at others’ expense. That’s the whole point of enlightened self-interest.

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