Dealing With People Who Lack Empathy and Don’t Know It

When we’re troubled, we often want to talk with someone who can relate, who can feel what we’re feeling, show concern — someone who has empathy. We’re not looking for them to solve our problems, but we simply want to know that someone cares. But, let’s face it, not everyone is a compassionate listener. And empathy is in short supply right now, according to Scientific American.

Is there anything you can do to help someone become more empathetic?

Is it appropriate to tell them they’re letting you down?

Empathy is a component of emotional intelligence. Find out more by registering for a live, virtual seminar: Developing Your Emotional Intelligence.

Empathy varies from person to person

Psychologists remind us that even though human beings are social creatures and mirror neurons are part of the hardwiring of every person’s brain, “empathy doesn’t come naturally to all of us.” And there are also sometimes clinical reasons someone lacks empathy — specifically, psychopaths and individuals with autism spectrum disorders. Admittedly, these are extreme examples of lack of empathy disorders.

Often those that lack empathy simply never learned the basics in childhood. Or they’ve unlearned any empathy skills they’ve acquired because American culture focuses on acquisition and status. These pursuits promote increased vanity and self-importance, causing people to equate what they have with who they are. They also kill empathy, because these individuals become “ripe for the delusion that they’re completely independent and self-sufficient,” suggests Doublas LaBier for huffpost.com.

Lest you give up on those insensitive or self-absorbed friends and colleagues, research also shows that we can learn to be empathetic.

Now back to the original question: How can you deal with someone who appears to lack empathy?

It’s normal to feel hurt if you are a sensitive, caring person. You spend time listening to the concerns and challenges of others, but they don’t reciprocate. You want to scream: “Hey enough about you. Could we talk about me for a change?”

Here are some tactics:

1. Remind yourself that the behavior is not necessarily intentional.

   Empathy comes to some personality types more naturally. While these individuals might value your opinions and feelings, they tend to be more practical and logical and are not necessarily tapped into emotional wavelengths.

2. Remember that no one has perfect empathy and it can vary by situation or person.

   It’s easier for someone to feel empathy in situations he or she can relate to. It’s also normal for people to want to distance themselves from negativity or someone who regularly complains to them. So, remember to also consistently share positive things with this individual.

3. Forget reciprocity.

   Some people are stoic; others have become burned out or numb. Is it possible the individual shows concern for you in other ways? Also acknowledge that your own empathetic behavior is a strength that not everyone has. By demonstrating empathy in your own interactions, other may come around.

4. When you’re both calm, speak up about how you feel and what you need.

   Remember, you’re not trying to make the other person feel bad, rather how you’re affected. Do this kindly by first showing appreciation for any help they’ve offered, then letting them know that it’s missing the mark. (Prior to this, it might be helpful for you to make a list of all the things you appreciate about this person, so you have the right frame of mind.)

5. Continue interacting and patiently wait for them to make adjustments to their behavior.

   After having a conversation about the behavior you’re hoping to see from someone, be on the lookout for any changes. Let them know you notice and appreciate their effort. What gets rewarded gets repeated.

6. Be willing to walk away.

   Personalities don’t always mesh. That colleague or friend who is super organized and logical may see emotions as a roadblock to productivity. You may be expecting more than this individual is capable of or willing to give. Stay cordial, but don’t rely on them for emotional support.

Empathy varies from person to person. And some people have empathy but are simply not good at showing it. If you’re an empathetic person, this can be frustrating. Respond with kindness and patience. Oh wait — you already knew that — because you’re empathetic.

Read related blog article: You Don’t Have to Say the Perfect Thing to Show Empathy